Realization and Changes

Now that its been a few weeks since Steve and I broke up, I started thinking about the things I didn't like about him and realized he was a pretty shitty boyfriend. Despite what he might think, I'm actually pretty glad I don't have to be with someone so crazy and I won't have to deal with his psychotic sister and his parents.

I think the thing that made me sad the most was that we spent so much time together when we had days off and stuff, so now that I'm single I have to find things to do, either on my own or with friends and I decided to take a few classes (indoor climbing and yoga - will start soon) I didn't realize I lost so many friends while I was dating him because they just didn't like him... I think that's the thing I regret the most.

I did make the mistake of hooking up with him after the break up (Ashley don't kill me LOL) but I think it was because we were just lonely, I hope to god I'm not knocked up... lol.

I sort of realized he made tons of excuses not to do things with me. A few years ago when he applied for the RCMP they asked him what he did to de-stress himself, he didn't really have a way to relieve his stress (besides punching shit whenever he got mad) and they didn't really like his answer so they deferred him for two years. Since then.. he didn't really make an effort to go on dates with me but he seriously made an effort to go drinking with his buddies every chance he got. His excuse was "I need to de-stress" the same excuse whenever he played video games for hours or watching tv/movies. So he really didn't make an effort to go out on dates especially when I wanted to and he really wanted me to understand that he was sooo stressed out all the time and that's why he didn't want to go out for dinner or watch movies or do any activities with me... -__-' and then he says that he felt like we were more like friends with benefits even though HE was the one that made no fucking effort to go out or do anything with me... dodged a bullet there!

Not only that he has rage issues, all my friends even talked to me about it. One time he walked into the doorknob and it hurt him and he got so angry he started punching the door... I was like "WTF ARE YOU DOING?!" and he said "I'm mad at the door" .... yeah... lol, his coworkers talked to me about it once too but he doesn't seem to think that's a problem so... I hope he fixes this before he becomes a police officer. Knowing his buddies, they will vouch for him and not say anything but that's because they really don't know him that well. He really does behave differently around them.

I do worry about him being placed in a position of power and how his family will probably manipulate him as they do now. When his dad got in trouble with the law in Korea his mom pulled some strings to get him out of it, it wouldn't surprise me if he bailed out his family members if they got in trouble here otherwise he would be "selfish" for not thinking about his family as his mom and sister would say.

At one point we talked about getting married/having kids and I was pretty worried because his family values money above anything else and its pretty sad (especially his sister) I brought it up once and said that money really isn't the most important thing and Steve said to me "I hate to break it to you, but money does cause a lot of happiness, if you can't see that then you're blind" -__-' what I mean by this is that, they have to ALWAYS have all the new toys and gadgets, the name brand clothes just to show off and pretend they're rich. Not sure if I mentioned this but when his grandma died and instead of packing and heading off the the airport right away, his mom and Steve went shopping to buy name brand clothes to impress their cousins.... because that's so important! I feel bad for his future children and the generations that will come from his sister.

As for dating again... the ladies at work want me to date one of our coworkers who is also newly single.. But I really don't want to. He's a nice guy and all but I honestly don't think we'll get along or have much in common plus, I don't really want to date somebody in the same department as me because if we broke up - things would get so weird. Anyway, I'm not really thinking of dating someone else right now at least... it'll probably be another month or so before I start even thinking of dating... Unless its this super hot nurse at work LOL I told Steve I would leave him for this nurse HAHAHAH.

**********

Anyway, I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post or not but I'm moving back home. I literally live around the corner from Steve and I really don't want to live here lol. I walk past his house all the time when I go to work and I'm just like FML. He asked me if I was going to move back home and I didn't tell him anything - he doesn't need to know.

Honestly, I'm going home just to save money, I know its going to be hell because my mom is insane. I didn't even tell my parents yet that I'm single... so I'm just going to let it be for now because I can just imagine what my mom would say "I knew he would leave you for someone else" "he left you because you're crazy" shit like that... >.<

I also don't think I mentioned that I bought a car lol so going back home would help me save so much money. I promised myself I would get girlier this summer so let's see how that goes -___-' LOL

Broken Up

Not the feeling the best at the moment, but I'm writing this post anyway... One day I'll probably look back and regret writing this LOL but I'll just have to deal with it for now.

**********

What Happened

So Steve and I dated for almost 6 years.

He broke up with me a few days ago, said that he couldn't see me getting along with his sister, which is true but - its not like I tried to resolve things and he didn't to help any of that, his reason? "I just don't like conflict" is what he said and that just pissed me off so much because those are obviously things that we could have resolved and we could have been on good terms but her not even trying didn't help either.

The main part was, he just lost feelings for me. Thought of me more as a friend than a girlfriend. He said the past few months it felt more like a friends with benefits relationship more than anything else and that he doesn't want to start a marriage with that kind of feeling.

Thing is he never mentioned ANY of it to me and that's one of the things that bugs me so much. Why didn't he? He should have said something right when he started feeling this way. But, I think its what he wanted anyway. I think he wanted to wait till he barely had any feelings left and then break things off.

When he told me all these things he was so expressionless and machine like. He honestly looked like he didn't care. He said that its hard for him too but I don't really believe him at all. Its just a feeling I get.

He kept saying things like "I haven't treated you very well, you deserve a guy that treats you well and makes you happy" A lot of my friends suspect he was interested in someone else and I do think he is interested in someone else... I have a few suspicions, He says he's not interested in someone.. but... he's the kind of guy that doesn't let feelings get to him so I'm sure he'll be trying to move in on someone else quickly.

I told him I don't even want another guy, We both like the same things and have the same hobbies. Now I can't see any of his friends/co-workers anymore even though I liked hanging out with them. I don't think I can find a guy like him again but who knows maybe I will.

He said we met when we were young and now that we're older we're much different people and he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. Which makes it hurt so much more because I don't feel like that with him.

I thought to myself a while back "we're kind of lucky that we were together for so long and I still love him so much" but that's what I thought and still feel, but I wasn't ever in his thoughts.

 I guess it was inevitable anyway, because I look back on the posts I wrote about him and his family and it wasn't the greatest history but since then, things have gotten better with his parents at least. His sister on the other hand - I feel like she seriously lacks some part human emotion so she just seems so... robotic in a way?

**********

What I Wanted This Summer

Well, I wanted our families to hang out more for one which he didn't know about and make some kind of amendment with his sister. He told me last year before his dad came that he wanted to spend the year hanging out with him and his family so they could get closer, since his dad hasn't lived with them in like 12 years or something. So I gave him the space, he said he regrets that.

I also had tons of plans this summer for us to do things but... they're not gonna happen anymore.

**********

How we Met

Back when Future Shop existed in North Vancouver and it was my first day. I remember meeting him. I was immediately drawn to him and knew I wanted to date him. He was my first real boyfriend (which makes it worse I guess) and I was like wow! this is the first time a guy I like likes me back!

Eventually, he started reciprocating his feelings back to me, back in the night market. We went with a group of friends but split up, just the two of us and basically just held hands there lol, its childish I know but we were young. 

Eventually what it took was me going out with one of our co-workers that basically brought us together. I went on one date with the other guy and the next day at work, Steve came in and sat down in my department. I asked him "do you like me or something?" and he responded "Do you like me?!" lol and I said "yeah, you're alright" and he was like "alright we're dating then" LOL and then we went on our first date that night.

Then since that summer we were basically inseparable. Things of course changed when his mom came back for a little while and told him he had to move out of the place they owned and he moved down to an apartment by himself on 4th st, then I basically moved in with him lol. Spent every night there with him, only going home when his mom/sister came to visit.

Then he quit going to school and his parents didn't want to pay for the apartment anymore and he couldn't afford it so my parents thought it would be a good idea to take him in. So he moved into our house, for a few years. His mom came eventually and had to study to get a job here which made things between us obviously start dissolving.

When his sister finished school and came back to Vancouver, they moved out. Then we had that huge fight last year and our whole relationship hasn't been the same since.

**********

What Hurts the Most

I seriously was ready to settle down with him. Since he told me he wanted to break up I haven't really eaten that much (no appetite for some reason, I try to but I'll have a few bites of something and just quit) I haven't slept much (just a few hours a night) and I've been randomly crying.

I went to work 2 days after the break up and just burst into tears in the lunch room and would tear up in the hallways when I was alone. It was fine when it was busy but when things in the Emergency Room would quiet down and I would be alone in the mini lab, he would creep into my mind and I would think about him and start crying. I would say all the staff knew how much he meant to me because I spoke about him all the time. When the staff asked me about my puffy eyes I told some of the nurses I yawned or had allergies. But I thought it would be a good idea to take some days off.

Now - I know its still the beginning of the break up but.. whenever I close my eyes before I try to sleep I see his face and wish he was beside me. 

I think about him all day long and wonder what he's doing and I can't just call him up randomly and be like "what's up?" because that makes it so much harder, hearing his voice and then I start tearing up again.

Night time is especially worse, just because its much quieter and there's less distractions and I wish he was here so I could hug him or touch his face or something. 

But that's not realistic anymore.

With the little amount of sleep I do manage to get, I dream about us going out and doing things together and just hanging out and then I wake up and face the reality of him not being there for me anymore.

I asked if we could try again... but he said his gut feeling tells him that its not going to work, even if its for a few more months his feelings wouldn't change and he doesn't want to waste time for either of us and if he regrets it later on, he said he'll just have to live with it forever :(

He says he would still like to be friends. Which I know in my heart will not work out.

I wonder if I will love the next guy I date as much... I'm not sure... and at this moment it wouldn't be fair to the next guy either so we'll just have to wait and see.

Hawaii February 2016

Got the keys that day

The day we left I had to go meet my landlord to give him my cheques, get my keys and have my mattress delivered. I also had to go to sephora to return something I bought and exchange some money. Steve had to go to school during that time so it was convenient for me to do this during that time.

Everything went so smoothly that I had tons of time to spare before heading to the airport. The key and money exchange took about 15-20 minutes and I hopped on the bus straight to the mall to exchange my stuff.

I returned a liquid lipstick and exchanged it for a Laura Mercier lipstick lol but I didn't realize the money exchange place was closed, so I sort of just shopped a bit. Our flight was at 5:45PM and he usually gets home from school at around 1:30PM.

Here's when it got complicated. So Steve is the worst person to travel with, he's so disorganized and under prepared for everything. I mean we planned this trip for months so I thought it would go more smoothly but of course, I was wrong.

He didn't finish packing, he left his passport in his car which his dad took to work all the way in Coquitlam, and he wanted to take a shower. He got back at his usual time of 1:30PM but because he took so damn long we ended up leaving the house to go to the airport at around 4PM -__-' but boy was I pissed off.

So this time we flew with Air Canada to Honolulu, which we really REGRET. We booked our tickets back in October and chose our seats on the website. When we went to check in it turns out they didn't take our choices into account and WE HAD TO PAY $50 EACH to switch seats to sit together. So ya we shelled out $100 just so we could sit together even though we booked and chose our seats MONTHS IN ADVANCE.

I was so unhappy plus! We had to pay to check in our bags which was $25 each. Ya NEVER FLYING WITH THEM AGAIN. Paying for bags is fine with me, whatever, its becoming the norm for most airlines, we had to pay with United Airlines last time we went to Hawaii but changing the seats really pissed me off. So total we paid $150, what a great start to a vacation.

 Ease the pain with wine lol

Going through security was easy enough, no issues there. We stocked up on water and some snacks before we found something to eat. We shared a brie and prosciutto sandwich and I had a sampler of wine, afterwards we headed to the gate to wait to board.

 Air Canada sucks

Well technically Air Canada Rouge sucks lol. Service is alright but if you're flying with the rouge service, you HAVE to either download the app to be able to "watch" something - more on that in a second - or bring something to do.

If you download the app you still have to pay for super old crappy movies and TV shows to watch.. So ya we wish we flew with United Airlines again because at least they had an updated entertainment unit available for us to use.

When we arrived it was about 11PM and we picked up the car at about midnight. We checked in into the same place we went to before (but owned by someone else) which was an Airbnb. It was on a higher floor and we had to pay for parking T..T 

We ended up getting a late dinner at some Korean place which was ok... lol. I realized during dinner how much I actually hate traveling with him. He's so sensitive about a lot of things and gets so mad for no reason -___-' I'm hoping next time I have to travel with him some other friends come along.

 Our view

I think I forgot to mention that I was sick during this vacation so.. we ended up not going into the water at all :( So we basically had to figure out what we were gonna do daily that didn't involve the beach. I told Steve it was fine if he wanted to go to the beach, but he said no.

Udon!!!

I love this place, honestly I wish they made udon in Vancouver this good. We went a few times during the week we were there. I always got the Niku udon and Steve always got a cold ontama udon.

Self serve tempura station and other things

One thing I was disappointed about during our first visit to the restaurant was that... they didn't have fried chicken!! Now, if you know me well, you would know that fried chicken is seriously one of my favourite foods. They finished cooking some right after we sat down and I kind of didn't want to butt in line just to get fried chicken, there were already tons of people waiting in line -__-'

Hells yeah lol

I'm craving udon as I'm writing this post lol. I seriously would just go back to Hawaii just to eat food lol.

Kai coffee

Macadamia frappe thing. We went here back in July and we randomly found this place, highly recommended!

678 Hawaii

This is the best Korean bbq place we've been to yet. We came here maybe like 2-3 times for dinner this whole trip. The beef is so fantastic! T_T I want to try to recreate some of the recipes here at home. I just need to figure out the sauces lol and grab a really nice cut of steak.

Plus we tried the melon soju this time... so good :(

Perfection

Discoveries!

We didn't know that the 7-Elevens in Hawaii sold Japanese style chips and snacks! I highly recommend that you try some while you're there! We picked this up as a snack for the car but I ended up wolfing it down lol because it was so good. Basically seaweed flavour lol.

Rainbow Drive in

On our way to Diamond Head we dropped by Rainbow Drive in, truth be told tried to go to Ono Seafood for some Poke but they were closed :( so we yelped and found this place. I wish I tried to ahi steak thing because they only make it once a week. Steve got a fried cutlet of some kind and I got the hamburger steak (I kind of don't recommend that) Steve's was good though lol.

Confused on where to go

We drove up and got super confused on where to go lol but in the end we found the map lol

Beautiful!

Can't deny the beauty that is this island!

Uncle Clay's House of Pure Aloha

Let's just talk about this place. I've never had shaved ice before, I always thought it would be like a snow cone where part of it had syrup and then the rest would be like snow lol. But this place is so AMAZING!

Not only is the shaved ice perfection, Uncle Clay himself is such a kind and wonderful man, the few times we've been there he's always been there and he gave us information about the island and the culture and he even welcomed us into his Ohana, he introduced us to some of the workers and other patrons visiting. 

He is so kind and accommodating! I will not go to any other place for shaved ice!

I highly recommend this place!

Another dinner

We went back to Kyung's seafood (? not too sure what it was called) for a sashimi platter and the seafood pancake. The pancake is so friggin good lol.

I literally got so full that when we got back to the hotel room, I threw up... lol.

Poke!

Finally grabbed some poke from Ono seafood. We grabbed it and went to Ala Moana mall to eat. Honestly... it was good but not as good as I thought it would be lol. Don't get me wrong, it tasted good but it was definitely missing something... not sure what though. Plus! it was our first poke experience.

I love the matcha!

Chiba Ken!

I kind of found this place randomly... we had a massage earlier that day and we walked by this place and I remember reading reviews of this place and we decided to go back! This place definitely reminds me of a restaurant we have here in Vancouver. For the price, its fantastic too.

The rolls!

I highly recommend to order whatever their daily special is, we got the fried oysters which were MASSIVE (see pic above) and they were so juicy and buttery T_T

I feel like we totally found a gem. It was not very busy when we got here plus it was on a random side street lol.

I love temples!

This temple is gorgeous! There's even temple kitties lol, we were too scared to pet them though because the look pretty wild so.. ya lol. I was really tempted to buy this sake bottle set with tiny little cups.. but steve said not to cause it might break if we stuck it in our luggage.

We took a drive all around the whole island

Pit stop for tacos and this pineapple drink

Great day for the drive

It literally didn't take that long to drive around the whole island, just a few hours. We stopped by the outlets and I sort of went crazy at Kate Spade... lol it was 60% off!

Our last night!

One of the bags I bought and a huge kettle of soju lol

Forgot to take pics of the Airbnb

This place was nice but I think we would have preferred to stay at the place we had last time.

Packing up to leave :(

Can't leave without having shaved ice for the last time

Beer Garden!

We went to the beer garden on our last day, I asked Steve when we first got there if he wanted to go here but he said no. Turns out he didn't know what a beer garden was. He thought it was literally a garden where you sit and drink LOL but no.. this one was like a pub with random food stands you can get stuff from.

We ended up buying too much stuff and had to buy a small carry on suitcase so we wouldn't be over the weight limit lol. Came in handy because I needed another suitcase to travel to Ashley's place lol.

Problems

So its a good thing we got to the airport early because apparently what happened was that they weren't letting anybody choose their seats when they checked in and so they kind of randomly scattered everybody and since we were early they were able to change our seats right away.

But when we got to the gate it turns out that tons of people weren't able to sit with their friends/families so we were delayed for about an hour because they were trying to figure out seating plans -___-' yeah lol. Not flying Air Canada again.

During that time Steve's family decided they wanted to be super douchebags. If you recall the last time we went to Hawaii his mom fucked us over last minute when we had to leave, so we ended up taking a cab to the airport and on the way back home my mom came and picked us up. His sister was basically like "we drove you guys to the airport so get Amanda's mom to pick you up - It's not fair that we have to pick you up twice" I was like... you fucking serious? 

Why can't you be normal and just say I don't want to. She always makes excuses to not do shit for anyone unless its beneficial for her in any way. Steve has picked her up - and her ex boyfriend and her fucking friends SO MANY TIMES, from the airport and from downtown whenever she drinks but of course when its for him she's like fuck that shit I don't want to do it. Plus its not like we were coming back at a super early/late time. Girl needs a bite of karma for her childish behaviour.

I'm gonna leave this here for Steve's sister

On the way home

I'm hoping to come back again soon, its a shame I was sick because I was hoping to go to the beach once and get in the water lol but perhaps next time!

Hopefully I can go with someone else other than Steve. I don't want to deal with his anger issues and his shitty sister again. I want to go with some friends this time around so hopefully we'll all get an opportunity to go not with Air Canada though! lol!

See you again Hawaii!

2016 So far...

Man oh man I've been busy so far this year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New year to everyone lol. I'm finally buckling down and writing a post after months of not posting anything mainly because there's a lot happening in my life recently.

On Sunday Steve and I are flying to Hawaii again lol... I think my last post was about Hawaii LOL. Oddly enough I get the keys to my new place on Sunday too! Right before we leave! and FML I'm sick right now, I have no idea how I got sick but it sucks knowing that I'm going on vacation in less than a week and I'm sick T_T hopefully I'll be A-OK by sunday.

Yep finally moving out of the parents house. My mom has been freaking out recently like A LOT, over money. She's been going to the casino a lot and she's been harassing the shit out of my dad for money in a overly aggressive way that's pretty much abusive. I yelled at her for doing that and she freaked out at me and I said to myself fuck this place I'm out of here.  My dad can deal with that shit, he's enabling her which is encouraging her abusive behaviour.

Funnily enough, the day before, I emailed a guy about viewing the apartment and went to go see it (only because it was a good deal, I wasn't actually serious about renting his place but as fate would have it, it was meant to be) and its actually not bad for the price point and location, which ironically is literally right around the corner from Steve's place lol! The building the apartment is in is quite old but its not bad.

The shitty thing about moving out is that I have no furniture. Well.... I have my desk (which I kind of don't want LOL), a shelf and a TV but I'm not taking the bed I'm currently sleeping on. I bought a bed frame the other day which was a great deal. Steve got upset because when he moved his mom went out and bought like $5000 worth of furniture at some store that was a block away from the place I went to where she could've went to the place I went to and spent half of that plus he said the quality was basically the same lol.

I just need to buy a mattress now, which we're going to go do tomorrow. The sofa can come later as well as the dining room set. I just need the basics at this point and I can sort out the other things later :) other than that I'm actually pretty excited!

I was scared at first because I've never really rented a place and lived alone before but I haven't regretted the decision yet... not until I realize how poor I'm going to be! LOL

Oh and I haven't told my parents about moving out yet either. I have a feeling my dad is going to be upset because he'll have to live with my mom alone and my mom will be confused and get pissed off lol. But both will be like "you're stupid, its too expensive to live on your own" something along those lines.

I think I posted a while back that I'm working as a casual at the hospital but! That might change! I'm applying for a position hopefully I'll get it! :)

Hawaii - Day 4 Last Full Day

Last day!

Wow, its been a while since I updated.. this is the last day of Hawaii! >.< Steve wants to go back next year already lol. It was his first vacation in a long time though so its understandable but I'm hoping to go back to Asia next year ^__^ ... more on that at the end of the post...

Tanned and Tired

For lunch we had katsu and curry again lol. This was really good katsu I have to admit but the curry wasn't so spicy - which is a shame.

After lunch shopping

We went to the galleria to do some shopping, didn't really buy much since we had a connecting flight we weren't allowed to buy much but we did get things like Hawaiian chocolates and cookies. Afterward we went out to do sightseeing.. which is my most HATED thing to do lol. I really hate tourist sites, I hate crowds of people but Steve really wanted to go since he said "its my first time here I want to go see these sites" so we went... lol

Nu'uanu Pali lookout

Doesn't take very long to get to this point, there weren't actually a lot of people here and we saw some random people hiking this really steep mountain.

So lush

The view

I didn't get anymore photos because of that black dress I was wearing, that I got from urban outfitters, kept wanting to fly up because its SO WINDY here. Ladies! Take note, bring a long sweater or don't wear a flowy dress to this place lol.

We also went to a memorial park? afterwards, I didn't take pictures there because I thought it would be disrespectful but then Steve was like paparazzi-ing everything lol.

Last stop

Took a tour on a submarine

Out of the sites we went to visit, I wish we got here earlier. There was an hour left before the monument closed so we didn't get to see/do a lot of things. We did manage to take a tour of a submarine and into the museum. I kind of got mad because there were some tourists lying on the floor in the museum because it was - according to them: "too hot"

After all the sightseeing we went back to the hotel to pack and get ready for dinner.

 Finally had a dinner in the Waikiki area

 Hula Grill for dinner!

 Our view

We randomly stumbled upon this place walking by and we nearly missed it because its in a hotel. We weren't really sure on where to go for dinner so we wandered around Waikiki for a bit but we were really hungry so we picked this place - which was a great idea, I really liked this place.

 Rosemary bread with olive oil and a sweet/savory sauce

I wanted to fill up on the bread LOL.

 Our drinks

Mine was the one on the right which was SO GOOD. It was basically a pina colada with strawberry syrup? and I have no idea what Steve ordered, he liked it though.

 Our starters

We got baked oysters and a caesar salad.. I wanted the hula salad but Steve forgot.. lol

 My dinner

I got the surf and turf basically, I ordered the steak but added the lobster tail. One of the better steaks I've had in a long time, the mushroom sauce was so good~!

 Steve's dinner

He got the swordfish, we've never had it before and its not as flaky as I thought it would be but it was still good.

I was so full after we went straight back to the hotel because our flight was at like 5AM or something and by the time we finished dinner it was about 10PM

 My flight outfit lol

Packed and ready to go, we weren't sure what the proper etiquette is for staying with Airbnb so we cleaned up as much as we could, not the laundry though lol but we did take the sheets off the bed and folded them so the owner could wash them right away.

At the airport

We had to fly from Honolulu to San Francisco and then we had a 3-4 hour wait till our next flight and then it got delayed by an hour... We were so exhausted, Steve napped on the chairs and I played earthbound on the netbook I brought lol.

So we actually got a really good deal again for February.. I really wanted to go to Asia next year but I guess that's not happening, not with Steve at least, but we are going to Hawaii for almost a week again. This trip was pretty exhausting, we were waking up early everyday and constantly had plans so not much downtime to sleep in. Plus we drank pretty much every night we were there which didn't help.

So Hawaii 3.0 coming in February!