Moving On - At Least Trying To

Alright so after the break up I went on Tinder a few times, I gotta say it isn't my cup of tea. I'm pretty stubborn on the fact that you can't rush finding someone and that I would rather meet somebody the "natural way" but I'm not really looking for anything super serious right now at least and the guys I've chatted on there don't seem like they're looking for anything serious anyway (I'm not looking for hook ups or anything like that) I chatted with a few guys and even talked about meeting up with them but I thought it was too soon for that...

Gist of it basically

How I still feel even months after the break up. Despite what some people say, 9Gag can be quite insightful sometimes LOL and these memes totally related to how I felt and still feel.

I felt so lonely for 6 years even when he was laying beside me

When most of my friends told me they didn't like him and I told him about it he got so upset about it and called them "cunts" and "bitches" and he would basically make me choose between them or him. At the time I was living with him so wtf was I supposed to do? Plus they didn't like little things he did like ask me to pay for stuff when we went to go eat out together, or call me fat and ugly in front of them... WOW why the fuck did I date him for so long? Lol I'm glad they're still here for me after all this time :) but according to him "it's just a fucking joke"

And so, he basically isolated me most of the time and I didn't realize it until we broke up. When I hung out with friends he would always keep tabs on me and shit and soon enough I just had a handful of friends I could count on but that was dwindling as well... Things definitely changed when I went to work and made new friends. I guess because he didn't know them he couldn't keep tabs on me in a way, but would constantly offer to pick me up/drop me off even though I live close by but the thing is - I wasn't doing anything shady, I was upfront and honest but I guess I couldn't say the same for him.

And yes he did break up with me for another girl as I mentioned before in the previous post and he's chasing after her. Although, friends who work with him have told me she has a "friends with benefits" relationship with some other guy but otherwise, if he wasn't around Steve and her would hook up, they first told me she wasn't interested but apparently that changed. Most girls like the chase, it gives them confidence knowing that some guy likes them, so I think she'll give in eventually if she hasn't already, it sort of happened to a friend of mine. She wasn't looking to date this guy and was creeped out by him, eventually she agreed to go on a date with him to get it over with and tell him no but then she ended up dating him for like 5 years LOL.

I have no idea wtf he's been telling her, but apparently he told her that I think he broke up with me because Steve and her were dating. Which I KNOW is not true. Because he barely had the time to do things for his parents let alone have time to secretly date someone else. So I'm like 100% sure he's told her other shit about either himself or me that is not true at all. Our mutual friend told me that he's been saying weird things to "match" her so it seems like they're compatible so our friend is like ... wtf, she said its hilarious and awkward because he's trying too hard and it makes some situations awkward.

Even now we hang out and still talk here and there but he's keeping it secret from all his co-workers because he's scared that they'll tell her and she'll lose interest or something. I told him - "what's the point in being friends still if you want to keep it a secret? Its obvious you don't want to be friends then"

**********

I randomly decided to give Tinder another go.. a lot of my friends have been meeting really nice guys lately... so why not? I'm actually talking to somebody right now (His name is Danny). We've been talking non-stop for almost a week now, we haven't met up yet and I don't really plan on doing it any time soon... He seems like a nice guy, a little weird which isn't always a bad thing LOL (doesn't eat veggies... that's weird to me but works out like crazy lol) The ironic thing is... he plays roller hockey... in the same league that Steve plays in... in the same division..

A friend of mine who does tarot card readings (quite accurately most of the time) told me, the next guy I meet, if Steve and him run into each other, they're going to fight... and at the time I didn't meet Danny so I was like, there's no way that they'll meet but then after a while we were talking and then it suddenly clicked. I don't even know if I'm going to date him or not so we'll have to wait and see.

Plus many months ago he told me I'd get with a guy who was a student who was also a professional? Not sure how that works but I found out that he is a student, not really sure what he is studying (I didn't feel like grilling him at the moment)

We shall see how this progresses.... I'll have to meet Danny in person to see how we click.

No More Drama Please...

The other day, I found out that Steve's been hanging out with this girl that works at the same hospital as him, like a lot and on a one on one basis.

Maybe I'm crazy but it occurred to me that he probably dumped me because of her. When we went to Hawaii back in July he made it his mission to find her some spam, teriyaki spam or something. We went to like 5 ABC store's (the popular convenience store there besides 7-eleven) but couldn't find it.

The second time we went to Hawaii he made sure he would come home with spam for her so we literally drove 15-20 minutes out of our way and went to the walmart, just to buy her spam - nothing else. He didn't buy anything else for his friends, he bought coffee for his coworkers but that's it. Nothing for his "close friends" but he just had to buy spam for this girl. Then a few weeks before we broke up he was helping her plan a trip to Korea with her friends (which btw I didn't have an issue with, he seems to think I went on a jealous tirade - I just said "you're the wrong person to plan the trip with since you just wanted to watch tv the whole time") and soon when she came back from her trip he broke up with me and started hanging out with her outside of work.

Even though we broke up, we would message each other here and there and we would have small chats and he would give me driving lessons too. When I tried to coordinate driving practice with him he would tell me, on many occasions, "I'm going to go see a movie with the hospital crew tonight" or "I'm going to a dinner thing with the hospital crew tonight at ___ time so I have to be home by ____" This went on a lot early post break up, up until now. But, it turns out he wasn't hanging out with his coworkers, he was having dinner with her, or going to see movies with her.

It was confirmed when a friend of his saw him at metrotown mall with her shopping/watching a movie and he told me.

and with that, I was SUPER PISSED OFF.

Months before we broke up, I would ask him "let's go see this movie" or "let's go out to dinner" or "let's go bowling" basically any activity I would ask him to do he would say things like "I'm broke we can't go" or "I'm tired I don't want to go" things along those lines. But then suddenly when he's single he suddenly had money to burn? I had to pay for EVERYTHING whenever we went out, that was the only way I could get him to go out with me his excuse for that was "you make more than me"

His friend said to me when I told them why I was pissed off "WTF, he works tons of overtime, how is it that he had no money suddenly?"

So I was super pissed off that he would make excuses not to hang out with his girlfriend at the time and then suddenly he's no longer broke and he's out there spending time/money with her trying to impress her and he also bought a new car to impress her too, he keeps telling people "I was interested in getting a hybrid" that kind of thing but even if he didn't split the car payment with his dad it would still save him tons of money -__-'

Anyway the point of this is he didn't bother to work on our relationship.

He was set on breaking up with me months beforehand and that's why he didn't tell me about his feelings and pushed me away on purpose, and didn't want to spend any time with me.

He strung me along for months because he knew that I would spend money on shit for him because I knew he was broke and he waited until he felt that it was the right time.

**********

I know who this girl is of course since the security guards know her and stuff. I decided I would tell Steve my feelings. I told him that it made sense now - all the things he said to me when he broke up with me "you can find a better guy that will treat you better" and how easy it was for him to say those things and remain emotionless as he told me all these things. Because he had already found someone else he was interested in.

I also told him that I knew about the girl and how pissed off I was that he made excuses not to go out with me because of time/money/energy but would go out of his way to hang out with her. He wanted a "good break up" just in case things didn't work out with her and he would try to get back together with me.

He said that their relationship is like my relationship with my best friend. Which pissed me off. We've been best friends for over 10 years, we know each others secrets and everything. I DIDN'T NEED TO LIE OR HIDE when I was hanging out with him (he's gay, so there was no jealousy there) not only that how are you guys such good friends if you guys NEVER hung out outside of work on a one on one or even with a group while we were dating?

but what pissed me off the most was that he would still lie to me post break up about hanging out with her. Its like ok, you're single, you're free to hang out with anyone you want. If you're gonna go hang out with a girl go ahead but don't lie to me and say that you're hanging out with your friends/coworkers because why are you trying to hide it? Its seriously obvious you're into this girl just say the truth.

I told him don't bother replying because I'm not gonna hear his excuse and blocked him on Kakaotalk right away. That was like a day ago lol.

**********

What I wrote after he sent me some email

So then this evening.. halfway through my shift I get an email from him with the title "read this plz." goddamn he still writes like a 14 year old on MSN messenger lol. Here is my reply:

"This doesn't matter anymore.

I did not bother reading your email because there is nothing left more to say.

Please don't contact me again."

Anyway, he wrote a really long email, it was basically an essay and.. he's done this in the past. He would just make it seem like everything was my fault, I do own up to my faults, everybody has them but he honestly blamed the whole break up shit all on me. EVERYTHING according to him was MY fault.

Even when he cheated on me he would say that I had trust issues and shit (WELL NO SHIT) he never tried to mend it or even acknowledge what he did was wrong essentially he thought just because we didn't break up he didn't do anything wrong. He basically thought forgive and forget. So of course to this day I still have trust issues with him and with that....

I didn't read it.

I'm not going to read his essay on our relationship, I was there too, I lived it and we went through this before, I don't want the drama, I don't want to hear the lies and the blame going all on me. There's no reason to bring up reasons why you wanted to break up. It doesn't excuse someone who claims to still care about you to keep lying to you. That's how I see it because we're done, why are you still lying?

So I didn't want to write out a long explanation on why I didn't read it, I just put it as blunt and concise as possible.

I just wanted to make it clear that it doesn't matter what he says, there's really no reason for us to talk anymore because what's said has been said and that I don't want to talk/see him again.

I don't think he's crazy enough to show up at my place and want to talk..

Realization and Changes

Now that its been a few weeks since Steve and I broke up, I started thinking about the things I didn't like about him and realized he was a pretty shitty boyfriend. Despite what he might think, I'm actually pretty glad I don't have to be with someone so crazy and I won't have to deal with his psychotic sister and his parents.

I think the thing that made me sad the most was that we spent so much time together when we had days off and stuff, so now that I'm single I have to find things to do, either on my own or with friends and I decided to take a few classes (indoor climbing and yoga - will start soon) I didn't realize I lost so many friends while I was dating him because they just didn't like him... I think that's the thing I regret the most.

I did make the mistake of hooking up with him after the break up (Ashley don't kill me LOL) but I think it was because we were just lonely, I hope to god I'm not knocked up... lol.

I sort of realized he made tons of excuses not to do things with me. A few years ago when he applied for the RCMP they asked him what he did to de-stress himself, he didn't really have a way to relieve his stress (besides punching shit whenever he got mad) and they didn't really like his answer so they deferred him for two years. Since then.. he didn't really make an effort to go on dates with me but he seriously made an effort to go drinking with his buddies every chance he got. His excuse was "I need to de-stress" the same excuse whenever he played video games for hours or watching tv/movies. So he really didn't make an effort to go out on dates especially when I wanted to and he really wanted me to understand that he was sooo stressed out all the time and that's why he didn't want to go out for dinner or watch movies or do any activities with me... -__-' and then he says that he felt like we were more like friends with benefits even though HE was the one that made no fucking effort to go out or do anything with me... dodged a bullet there!

Not only that he has rage issues, all my friends even talked to me about it. One time he walked into the doorknob and it hurt him and he got so angry he started punching the door... I was like "WTF ARE YOU DOING?!" and he said "I'm mad at the door" .... yeah... lol, his coworkers talked to me about it once too but he doesn't seem to think that's a problem so... I hope he fixes this before he becomes a police officer. Knowing his buddies, they will vouch for him and not say anything but that's because they really don't know him that well. He really does behave differently around them.

I do worry about him being placed in a position of power and how his family will probably manipulate him as they do now. When his dad got in trouble with the law in Korea his mom pulled some strings to get him out of it, it wouldn't surprise me if he bailed out his family members if they got in trouble here otherwise he would be "selfish" for not thinking about his family as his mom and sister would say.

At one point we talked about getting married/having kids and I was pretty worried because his family values money above anything else and its pretty sad (especially his sister) I brought it up once and said that money really isn't the most important thing and Steve said to me "I hate to break it to you, but money does cause a lot of happiness, if you can't see that then you're blind" -__-' what I mean by this is that, they have to ALWAYS have all the new toys and gadgets, the name brand clothes just to show off and pretend they're rich. Not sure if I mentioned this but when his grandma died and instead of packing and heading off the the airport right away, his mom and Steve went shopping to buy name brand clothes to impress their cousins.... because that's so important! I feel bad for his future children and the generations that will come from his sister.

As for dating again... the ladies at work want me to date one of our coworkers who is also newly single.. But I really don't want to. He's a nice guy and all but I honestly don't think we'll get along or have much in common plus, I don't really want to date somebody in the same department as me because if we broke up - things would get so weird. Anyway, I'm not really thinking of dating someone else right now at least... it'll probably be another month or so before I start even thinking of dating... Unless its this super hot nurse at work LOL I told Steve I would leave him for this nurse HAHAHAH.

**********

Anyway, I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post or not but I'm moving back home. I literally live around the corner from Steve and I really don't want to live here lol. I walk past his house all the time when I go to work and I'm just like FML. He asked me if I was going to move back home and I didn't tell him anything - he doesn't need to know.

Honestly, I'm going home just to save money, I know its going to be hell because my mom is insane. I didn't even tell my parents yet that I'm single... so I'm just going to let it be for now because I can just imagine what my mom would say "I knew he would leave you for someone else" "he left you because you're crazy" shit like that... >.<

I also don't think I mentioned that I bought a car lol so going back home would help me save so much money. I promised myself I would get girlier this summer so let's see how that goes -___-' LOL

Broken Up

Not the feeling the best at the moment, but I'm writing this post anyway... One day I'll probably look back and regret writing this LOL but I'll just have to deal with it for now.

**********

What Happened

So Steve and I dated for almost 6 years.

He broke up with me a few days ago, said that he couldn't see me getting along with his sister, which is true but - its not like I tried to resolve things and he didn't to help any of that, his reason? "I just don't like conflict" is what he said and that just pissed me off so much because those are obviously things that we could have resolved and we could have been on good terms but her not even trying didn't help either.

The main part was, he just lost feelings for me. Thought of me more as a friend than a girlfriend. He said the past few months it felt more like a friends with benefits relationship more than anything else and that he doesn't want to start a marriage with that kind of feeling.

Thing is he never mentioned ANY of it to me and that's one of the things that bugs me so much. Why didn't he? He should have said something right when he started feeling this way. But, I think its what he wanted anyway. I think he wanted to wait till he barely had any feelings left and then break things off.

When he told me all these things he was so expressionless and machine like. He honestly looked like he didn't care. He said that its hard for him too but I don't really believe him at all. Its just a feeling I get.

He kept saying things like "I haven't treated you very well, you deserve a guy that treats you well and makes you happy" A lot of my friends suspect he was interested in someone else and I do think he is interested in someone else... I have a few suspicions, He says he's not interested in someone.. but... he's the kind of guy that doesn't let feelings get to him so I'm sure he'll be trying to move in on someone else quickly.

I told him I don't even want another guy, We both like the same things and have the same hobbies. Now I can't see any of his friends/co-workers anymore even though I liked hanging out with them. I don't think I can find a guy like him again but who knows maybe I will.

He said we met when we were young and now that we're older we're much different people and he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. Which makes it hurt so much more because I don't feel like that with him.

I thought to myself a while back "we're kind of lucky that we were together for so long and I still love him so much" but that's what I thought and still feel, but I wasn't ever in his thoughts.

 I guess it was inevitable anyway, because I look back on the posts I wrote about him and his family and it wasn't the greatest history but since then, things have gotten better with his parents at least. His sister on the other hand - I feel like she seriously lacks some part human emotion so she just seems so... robotic in a way?

**********

What I Wanted This Summer

Well, I wanted our families to hang out more for one which he didn't know about and make some kind of amendment with his sister. He told me last year before his dad came that he wanted to spend the year hanging out with him and his family so they could get closer, since his dad hasn't lived with them in like 12 years or something. So I gave him the space, he said he regrets that.

I also had tons of plans this summer for us to do things but... they're not gonna happen anymore.

**********

How we Met

Back when Future Shop existed in North Vancouver and it was my first day. I remember meeting him. I was immediately drawn to him and knew I wanted to date him. He was my first real boyfriend (which makes it worse I guess) and I was like wow! this is the first time a guy I like likes me back!

Eventually, he started reciprocating his feelings back to me, back in the night market. We went with a group of friends but split up, just the two of us and basically just held hands there lol, its childish I know but we were young. 

Eventually what it took was me going out with one of our co-workers that basically brought us together. I went on one date with the other guy and the next day at work, Steve came in and sat down in my department. I asked him "do you like me or something?" and he responded "Do you like me?!" lol and I said "yeah, you're alright" and he was like "alright we're dating then" LOL and then we went on our first date that night.

Then since that summer we were basically inseparable. Things of course changed when his mom came back for a little while and told him he had to move out of the place they owned and he moved down to an apartment by himself on 4th st, then I basically moved in with him lol. Spent every night there with him, only going home when his mom/sister came to visit.

Then he quit going to school and his parents didn't want to pay for the apartment anymore and he couldn't afford it so my parents thought it would be a good idea to take him in. So he moved into our house, for a few years. His mom came eventually and had to study to get a job here which made things between us obviously start dissolving.

When his sister finished school and came back to Vancouver, they moved out. Then we had that huge fight last year and our whole relationship hasn't been the same since.

**********

What Hurts the Most

I seriously was ready to settle down with him. Since he told me he wanted to break up I haven't really eaten that much (no appetite for some reason, I try to but I'll have a few bites of something and just quit) I haven't slept much (just a few hours a night) and I've been randomly crying.

I went to work 2 days after the break up and just burst into tears in the lunch room and would tear up in the hallways when I was alone. It was fine when it was busy but when things in the Emergency Room would quiet down and I would be alone in the mini lab, he would creep into my mind and I would think about him and start crying. I would say all the staff knew how much he meant to me because I spoke about him all the time. When the staff asked me about my puffy eyes I told some of the nurses I yawned or had allergies. But I thought it would be a good idea to take some days off.

Now - I know its still the beginning of the break up but.. whenever I close my eyes before I try to sleep I see his face and wish he was beside me. 

I think about him all day long and wonder what he's doing and I can't just call him up randomly and be like "what's up?" because that makes it so much harder, hearing his voice and then I start tearing up again.

Night time is especially worse, just because its much quieter and there's less distractions and I wish he was here so I could hug him or touch his face or something. 

But that's not realistic anymore.

With the little amount of sleep I do manage to get, I dream about us going out and doing things together and just hanging out and then I wake up and face the reality of him not being there for me anymore.

I asked if we could try again... but he said his gut feeling tells him that its not going to work, even if its for a few more months his feelings wouldn't change and he doesn't want to waste time for either of us and if he regrets it later on, he said he'll just have to live with it forever :(

He says he would still like to be friends. Which I know in my heart will not work out.

I wonder if I will love the next guy I date as much... I'm not sure... and at this moment it wouldn't be fair to the next guy either so we'll just have to wait and see.