2017 So Far...

Its almost been a full month into the new year.

I'm finding most nights I'm staying up really really late, I go to bed at around 5 or 6AM. It really doesn't help when I have shifts at work that start at 6AM lol but I manage.

Its not that I'm preoccupied with a lot of thoughts, I'm not even thinking about Steve anymore so I'm going to rule that out, I haven't even talked to him in a long time.

Although, I've been thinking about someone else that I work with a lot lately lol. I see his name EVERYWHERE and I didn't know that it was such a common name.. even various variations of that name and yes I have a major crush on this guy LOL, the thing is I barely see him at work and rarely get to talk to him since its been so busy. Everyone keeps telling me to ask him out but I'm SO SHY! -___-' plus I don't even know if he's single or not so until I know I'm not going to do anything about it.

My best friend seems to think I'm going to end up with him, only because he does tarot cards and has said that he's popped up in my readings a lot recently, and I don't even know what to make of what he said anyway so I'll just let it all play out and see but I am keeping my options open.

But! I hope he's right! This guy is like the TOTAL OPPOSITE of Steve. He's so nice! and not cocky at all (at least not right off the bat like Steve was) their personalities are very different, I think he suits being a nurse very well, a great bedside manner and can be tough with patients who are problematic, which is why I was attracted to him while I was still dating Steve (Steve on the other hand would just treat people like he was more superior than him, which he still does)

Some of my friends have been telling me to try online dating. But I know its not for me, honestly, a majority of my friends have dated someone online and it never ends well, mainly because the guy they've been seeing is SUPER FUCKED UP in some way or my friends would go crazy and end up treating them like shit.... plus I'm not one to talk to some stranger over the internet and then meet them, I've got paranoia about that...

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We have a new girl at work that NOBODY LIKES. She's brand new and just came out of school but she's worked in a different department in the hospital for a number of years so she has racked up quite the seniority and people are worried that she'll get a full time position ahead of some people who have been working in the lab for a number of years.

She's not that bad, I mean, I'm sure I was just as bad when I first started BUT there's a difference between the two of us. When mistakes are made, she doesn't learn from them, not only that, she has a terrible bedside manner, so a lot of people get nervous when she has to poke them... we've also had numerous complaints from patients... I doubt she'll get fired, I highly highly doubt it. Maybe she'll get better? But its been a while and she hasn't gotten much better...

I also screwed up my back recently, no idea how that happened but I almost had a week and a half off of work to nurse it back to work.

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I have two long vacations coming up this year, one in April and one in December. Depending on school in December I really would like to go to Asia or something.

I've been itching to go somewhere for a while but the problem is I want someone to go with! Ashley is busy with working and school and most of my friends are broke and I've got no boyfriend to go with lol! I'll think about where I want to go in April.... if anywhere...

So far this year... is confusing LOL

Will update again at the end of next month!

Goodbye 2016

Everybody has been saying that 2016 has been a super shitty year.

For me, I would agree lol.

The beginning of 2016 was fine, I went to Hawaii again in February, moved out of the house away from my crazy parents, bought a car. Then Steve and I broke up in May after being in a relationship for nearly 6 years, lost basically most of our mutual friends (more about this later), got my drivers license lol after buying the car, moved back home, I got a permanent part time position at the hospital so no more random shifts as a casual, grew closer to some friends that I never expected to have and I supposedly have a random crush at work lol!

There's probably more in there somewhere but I just don't remember at this point lol.

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True Friends:

After the break up with Steve, there were some friends who I knew I would stop talking to, the question was: When?

The one that hurt me the most was Steve's friend whom he's known since high school, I actually went to his brothers wedding and was kind of close with his mom, whom is really sweet, anyway... Over the 5 years I knew this guy I was closer to him as a friend than Steve was (ironically his name is also Steve, we called him Steve 2), I helped him move (more than like 3 times!), gave him relationship advice, supported him when he was looking for work, we went out to eat numerous times just Steve 2 and I and we even shopping together when no one else would go with him. When Steve and I would fight before the official breakup he would always tell me things like "I'll never choose a side" "You'll always be my friend" but that was a big fat freakin lie lol.

When it came to the point where I chose to move back home, over the 5 years I knew him I never asked him for any kind of favour, I asked him to help me move home. I figured I helped this guy so many times over the years the least he could do was help me out this one time. But no. Steve told him some crap about me and he chose to pick a side. When he didn't reply to me I knew right away that he chose a side. He just blatantly ignored me and didn't even say anything to me afterwards. I was pretty offended. Steve doesn't even consider Steve 2 a close friend or anything.

Though, I guess I should've seen it coming. Bros before hoes right? There apparently is some "Korean Code" according to a friend of mine where they'll stick together no matter what. -___-'

At the end of the day here's what it comes down to: You shouldn't be friends with lying people, if they cheat on their partners what makes you think they won't betray you? (Steve of course not Steve 2, story on that another time)

All I can do is wish him the best, I blocked Steve 2 on instagram and on facebook and his phone number as well. There's nothing he could say to me at this point to make me think he's a good friend. Nor, is there anything that needs to be said on my end. The friendship was done the moment he chose to side with Steve and not say anything to me.

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Random Crush?

I can't remember when exactly my staff Christmas party was, I'm pretty sure it was in November. Anyway, I was the designated driver for a few coworkers of mine which sucked but I had to work the next day in the morning -__-' so I couldn't drink that much. I only had a rum and coke. Anyway, for like a month another coworker of mine and I couldn't figure out what to wear lol and were hoping to at least chat with some single guys from work lol.

One of the nurses who came to the party, rarely works at our hospital but works at a much bigger hospital most of the time, he just picks up shifts randomly. He's worked at our hospital for a long time so everybody knows him. He got SO DRUNK at this party which was hilarious but then he randomly comes up to me and my coworker and says: "So! Don't think this is weird or anything, I'm asking everybody... but, nobody brought their girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands or wives, so what's your excuse? Where's your boyfriend?" (he was directly asking me LOL) I told him I was single and he FREAKED OUT.

Later that night he questioned another coworker of mine that works at the same hospital as him now, about my current relationship status, how long I've been single for and if I'm into Asian guys LOL. Her response: "She's only dated an Asian guy for like nearly 6 years, I'm pretty sure she's done with them" lol! He didn't get her joke right away because he was so drunk.

Supposedly he has a friend who is into me... or he could be lying and talking about himself but I don't know!

When we left, I wanted to thank the nurse who invited us lab folk to the party and Allan (drunk nurse) was sitting with her. He looked so frustrated lol and he turns to me and says: "Look, I have a friend, a really stupid friend, who thinks you're nice, cute and pretty but he's too shy to ask you out!" and then he started mumbling other stuff that I couldn't really make out (there was a point in the party where he was dancing and drinking a whole bottle of wine to himself)

Anyway, there is supposedly a guy named Alfred who's into me. BUT I'VE NEVER MET AN ALFRED AT WORK BEFORE. So I don't know if he told my coworker a random name or what but I have no idea who this guy is lol, she knows a guy named Alfred that's Asian and that has worked at our hospital but we don't know if this guy even works there still or not. Alternatively, it could be 2 other guys at work. All I know is, this guy is Asian and there are 2 Asian nurses I've worked with directly one is Anthony, he's pretty cute and he seems nice but I haven't directly talked to him before lol and then there's other Alan... who is so cute! I have like the biggest crush on this guy LOL, I'm really hoping its him but I'm too shy to talk to him more... Here's the thing... he also rarely works at our hospital, he works together with other Allan at the bigger hospital... here's to hoping its him! lol! That would totally make up for last year lol.

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He's leaving...

Steve goes off to depot for a few days. I'm still pissed off at the fact that the RCMP haven't given him a freaking psychological interview, seriously. There are a few things that seem so questionable that he put into his package that would seem like a big red flag for them... excessive force in a previous job, sexual assault... yeah...

Honestly, as much as I wanted him to get a job in policing, he's simply not ready still. He's still young, I would say give him a year or two to work on some things and mature and try to become more independent. He was literally gonna get a tattoo a few days ago, he was dead set on it, he wanted to get a tattoo before depot because after he's done the RCMP have to approve whatever he gets afterwards so... he went to the tattoo shop and they put the tracing thing on him to show him what it would look like on him and he paid a deposit. I seriously know him too well, he told his parents and he didn't end up getting it. His family is super conservative of course they would freak out. So in the end, he lost his $80 deposit because mom and dad said no LOL.

I just get a really bad feeling about him becoming a police officer... based on however many years I've had this blog, I hope some of you can get an idea of what kind of guy he is... and what kind of police officer he will be when he is done depot.

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2017 Plans?

For the past few years I think I wrote, get a drivers license lol. Now that I have that I'm thinking of something simpler... I think I would like to try to run in a marathon but! I would like to have a running buddy if possible lol and NONE of my friends exercise >.<

I have to big vacations in 2017, one in April and one in December and I'm hoping to go back to Asia this year... but I don't know yet.. depends on funds and who is available to come with me lol. Or! I could go to Hawaii again LOL I really miss it there T_T

Oh ya and I'm back at school again, I'm taking prerequisites to get into the nursing program and math starts next week.... I HATE MATH SO MUCH! I really hope I pass...

Anyways, I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years!

Moving On - At Least Trying To

Alright so after the break up I went on Tinder a few times, I gotta say it isn't my cup of tea. I'm pretty stubborn on the fact that you can't rush finding someone and that I would rather meet somebody the "natural way" but I'm not really looking for anything super serious right now at least and the guys I've chatted on there don't seem like they're looking for anything serious anyway (I'm not looking for hook ups or anything like that) I chatted with a few guys and even talked about meeting up with them but I thought it was too soon for that...

Gist of it basically

How I still feel even months after the break up. Despite what some people say, 9Gag can be quite insightful sometimes LOL and these memes totally related to how I felt and still feel.

I felt so lonely for 6 years even when he was laying beside me

When most of my friends told me they didn't like him and I told him about it he got so upset about it and called them "cunts" and "bitches" and he would basically make me choose between them or him. At the time I was living with him so wtf was I supposed to do? Plus they didn't like little things he did like ask me to pay for stuff when we went to go eat out together, or call me fat and ugly in front of them... WOW why the fuck did I date him for so long? Lol I'm glad they're still here for me after all this time :) but according to him "it's just a fucking joke"

And so, he basically isolated me most of the time and I didn't realize it until we broke up. When I hung out with friends he would always keep tabs on me and shit and soon enough I just had a handful of friends I could count on but that was dwindling as well... Things definitely changed when I went to work and made new friends. I guess because he didn't know them he couldn't keep tabs on me in a way, but would constantly offer to pick me up/drop me off even though I live close by but the thing is - I wasn't doing anything shady, I was upfront and honest but I guess I couldn't say the same for him.

And yes he did break up with me for another girl as I mentioned before in the previous post and he's chasing after her. Although, friends who work with him have told me she has a "friends with benefits" relationship with some other guy but otherwise, if he wasn't around Steve and her would hook up, they first told me she wasn't interested but apparently that changed. Most girls like the chase, it gives them confidence knowing that some guy likes them, so I think she'll give in eventually if she hasn't already, it sort of happened to a friend of mine. She wasn't looking to date this guy and was creeped out by him, eventually she agreed to go on a date with him to get it over with and tell him no but then she ended up dating him for like 5 years LOL.

I have no idea wtf he's been telling her, but apparently he told her that I think he broke up with me because Steve and her were dating. Which I KNOW is not true. Because he barely had the time to do things for his parents let alone have time to secretly date someone else. So I'm like 100% sure he's told her other shit about either himself or me that is not true at all. Our mutual friend told me that he's been saying weird things to "match" her so it seems like they're compatible so our friend is like ... wtf, she said its hilarious and awkward because he's trying too hard and it makes some situations awkward.

Even now we hang out and still talk here and there but he's keeping it secret from all his co-workers because he's scared that they'll tell her and she'll lose interest or something. I told him - "what's the point in being friends still if you want to keep it a secret? Its obvious you don't want to be friends then"

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I randomly decided to give Tinder another go.. a lot of my friends have been meeting really nice guys lately... so why not? I'm actually talking to somebody right now (His name is Danny). We've been talking non-stop for almost a week now, we haven't met up yet and I don't really plan on doing it any time soon... He seems like a nice guy, a little weird which isn't always a bad thing LOL (doesn't eat veggies... that's weird to me but works out like crazy lol) The ironic thing is... he plays roller hockey... in the same league that Steve plays in... in the same division..

A friend of mine who does tarot card readings (quite accurately most of the time) told me, the next guy I meet, if Steve and him run into each other, they're going to fight... and at the time I didn't meet Danny so I was like, there's no way that they'll meet but then after a while we were talking and then it suddenly clicked. I don't even know if I'm going to date him or not so we'll have to wait and see.

Plus many months ago he told me I'd get with a guy who was a student who was also a professional? Not sure how that works but I found out that he is a student, not really sure what he is studying (I didn't feel like grilling him at the moment)

We shall see how this progresses.... I'll have to meet Danny in person to see how we click.

No More Drama Please...

The other day, I found out that Steve's been hanging out with this girl that works at the same hospital as him, like a lot and on a one on one basis.

Maybe I'm crazy but it occurred to me that he probably dumped me because of her. When we went to Hawaii back in July he made it his mission to find her some spam, teriyaki spam or something. We went to like 5 ABC store's (the popular convenience store there besides 7-eleven) but couldn't find it.

The second time we went to Hawaii he made sure he would come home with spam for her so we literally drove 15-20 minutes out of our way and went to the walmart, just to buy her spam - nothing else. He didn't buy anything else for his friends, he bought coffee for his coworkers but that's it. Nothing for his "close friends" but he just had to buy spam for this girl. Then a few weeks before we broke up he was helping her plan a trip to Korea with her friends (which btw I didn't have an issue with, he seems to think I went on a jealous tirade - I just said "you're the wrong person to plan the trip with since you just wanted to watch tv the whole time") and soon when she came back from her trip he broke up with me and started hanging out with her outside of work.

Even though we broke up, we would message each other here and there and we would have small chats and he would give me driving lessons too. When I tried to coordinate driving practice with him he would tell me, on many occasions, "I'm going to go see a movie with the hospital crew tonight" or "I'm going to a dinner thing with the hospital crew tonight at ___ time so I have to be home by ____" This went on a lot early post break up, up until now. But, it turns out he wasn't hanging out with his coworkers, he was having dinner with her, or going to see movies with her.

It was confirmed when a friend of his saw him at metrotown mall with her shopping/watching a movie and he told me.

and with that, I was SUPER PISSED OFF.

Months before we broke up, I would ask him "let's go see this movie" or "let's go out to dinner" or "let's go bowling" basically any activity I would ask him to do he would say things like "I'm broke we can't go" or "I'm tired I don't want to go" things along those lines. But then suddenly when he's single he suddenly had money to burn? I had to pay for EVERYTHING whenever we went out, that was the only way I could get him to go out with me his excuse for that was "you make more than me"

His friend said to me when I told them why I was pissed off "WTF, he works tons of overtime, how is it that he had no money suddenly?"

So I was super pissed off that he would make excuses not to hang out with his girlfriend at the time and then suddenly he's no longer broke and he's out there spending time/money with her trying to impress her and he also bought a new car to impress her too, he keeps telling people "I was interested in getting a hybrid" that kind of thing but even if he didn't split the car payment with his dad it would still save him tons of money -__-'

Anyway the point of this is he didn't bother to work on our relationship.

He was set on breaking up with me months beforehand and that's why he didn't tell me about his feelings and pushed me away on purpose, and didn't want to spend any time with me.

He strung me along for months because he knew that I would spend money on shit for him because I knew he was broke and he waited until he felt that it was the right time.

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I know who this girl is of course since the security guards know her and stuff. I decided I would tell Steve my feelings. I told him that it made sense now - all the things he said to me when he broke up with me "you can find a better guy that will treat you better" and how easy it was for him to say those things and remain emotionless as he told me all these things. Because he had already found someone else he was interested in.

I also told him that I knew about the girl and how pissed off I was that he made excuses not to go out with me because of time/money/energy but would go out of his way to hang out with her. He wanted a "good break up" just in case things didn't work out with her and he would try to get back together with me.

He said that their relationship is like my relationship with my best friend. Which pissed me off. We've been best friends for over 10 years, we know each others secrets and everything. I DIDN'T NEED TO LIE OR HIDE when I was hanging out with him (he's gay, so there was no jealousy there) not only that how are you guys such good friends if you guys NEVER hung out outside of work on a one on one or even with a group while we were dating?

but what pissed me off the most was that he would still lie to me post break up about hanging out with her. Its like ok, you're single, you're free to hang out with anyone you want. If you're gonna go hang out with a girl go ahead but don't lie to me and say that you're hanging out with your friends/coworkers because why are you trying to hide it? Its seriously obvious you're into this girl just say the truth.

I told him don't bother replying because I'm not gonna hear his excuse and blocked him on Kakaotalk right away. That was like a day ago lol.

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What I wrote after he sent me some email

So then this evening.. halfway through my shift I get an email from him with the title "read this plz." goddamn he still writes like a 14 year old on MSN messenger lol. Here is my reply:

"This doesn't matter anymore.

I did not bother reading your email because there is nothing left more to say.

Please don't contact me again."

Anyway, he wrote a really long email, it was basically an essay and.. he's done this in the past. He would just make it seem like everything was my fault, I do own up to my faults, everybody has them but he honestly blamed the whole break up shit all on me. EVERYTHING according to him was MY fault.

Even when he cheated on me he would say that I had trust issues and shit (WELL NO SHIT) he never tried to mend it or even acknowledge what he did was wrong essentially he thought just because we didn't break up he didn't do anything wrong. He basically thought forgive and forget. So of course to this day I still have trust issues with him and with that....

I didn't read it.

I'm not going to read his essay on our relationship, I was there too, I lived it and we went through this before, I don't want the drama, I don't want to hear the lies and the blame going all on me. There's no reason to bring up reasons why you wanted to break up. It doesn't excuse someone who claims to still care about you to keep lying to you. That's how I see it because we're done, why are you still lying?

So I didn't want to write out a long explanation on why I didn't read it, I just put it as blunt and concise as possible.

I just wanted to make it clear that it doesn't matter what he says, there's really no reason for us to talk anymore because what's said has been said and that I don't want to talk/see him again.

I don't think he's crazy enough to show up at my place and want to talk..

Realization and Changes

Now that its been a few weeks since Steve and I broke up, I started thinking about the things I didn't like about him and realized he was a pretty shitty boyfriend. Despite what he might think, I'm actually pretty glad I don't have to be with someone so crazy and I won't have to deal with his psychotic sister and his parents.

I think the thing that made me sad the most was that we spent so much time together when we had days off and stuff, so now that I'm single I have to find things to do, either on my own or with friends and I decided to take a few classes (indoor climbing and yoga - will start soon) I didn't realize I lost so many friends while I was dating him because they just didn't like him... I think that's the thing I regret the most.

I did make the mistake of hooking up with him after the break up (Ashley don't kill me LOL) but I think it was because we were just lonely, I hope to god I'm not knocked up... lol.

I sort of realized he made tons of excuses not to do things with me. A few years ago when he applied for the RCMP they asked him what he did to de-stress himself, he didn't really have a way to relieve his stress (besides punching shit whenever he got mad) and they didn't really like his answer so they deferred him for two years. Since then.. he didn't really make an effort to go on dates with me but he seriously made an effort to go drinking with his buddies every chance he got. His excuse was "I need to de-stress" the same excuse whenever he played video games for hours or watching tv/movies. So he really didn't make an effort to go out on dates especially when I wanted to and he really wanted me to understand that he was sooo stressed out all the time and that's why he didn't want to go out for dinner or watch movies or do any activities with me... -__-' and then he says that he felt like we were more like friends with benefits even though HE was the one that made no fucking effort to go out or do anything with me... dodged a bullet there!

Not only that he has rage issues, all my friends even talked to me about it. One time he walked into the doorknob and it hurt him and he got so angry he started punching the door... I was like "WTF ARE YOU DOING?!" and he said "I'm mad at the door" .... yeah... lol, his coworkers talked to me about it once too but he doesn't seem to think that's a problem so... I hope he fixes this before he becomes a police officer. Knowing his buddies, they will vouch for him and not say anything but that's because they really don't know him that well. He really does behave differently around them.

I do worry about him being placed in a position of power and how his family will probably manipulate him as they do now. When his dad got in trouble with the law in Korea his mom pulled some strings to get him out of it, it wouldn't surprise me if he bailed out his family members if they got in trouble here otherwise he would be "selfish" for not thinking about his family as his mom and sister would say.

At one point we talked about getting married/having kids and I was pretty worried because his family values money above anything else and its pretty sad (especially his sister) I brought it up once and said that money really isn't the most important thing and Steve said to me "I hate to break it to you, but money does cause a lot of happiness, if you can't see that then you're blind" -__-' what I mean by this is that, they have to ALWAYS have all the new toys and gadgets, the name brand clothes just to show off and pretend they're rich. Not sure if I mentioned this but when his grandma died and instead of packing and heading off the the airport right away, his mom and Steve went shopping to buy name brand clothes to impress their cousins.... because that's so important! I feel bad for his future children and the generations that will come from his sister.

As for dating again... the ladies at work want me to date one of our coworkers who is also newly single.. But I really don't want to. He's a nice guy and all but I honestly don't think we'll get along or have much in common plus, I don't really want to date somebody in the same department as me because if we broke up - things would get so weird. Anyway, I'm not really thinking of dating someone else right now at least... it'll probably be another month or so before I start even thinking of dating... Unless its this super hot nurse at work LOL I told Steve I would leave him for this nurse HAHAHAH.

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Anyway, I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post or not but I'm moving back home. I literally live around the corner from Steve and I really don't want to live here lol. I walk past his house all the time when I go to work and I'm just like FML. He asked me if I was going to move back home and I didn't tell him anything - he doesn't need to know.

Honestly, I'm going home just to save money, I know its going to be hell because my mom is insane. I didn't even tell my parents yet that I'm single... so I'm just going to let it be for now because I can just imagine what my mom would say "I knew he would leave you for someone else" "he left you because you're crazy" shit like that... >.<

I also don't think I mentioned that I bought a car lol so going back home would help me save so much money. I promised myself I would get girlier this summer so let's see how that goes -___-' LOL

Broken Up

Not the feeling the best at the moment, but I'm writing this post anyway... One day I'll probably look back and regret writing this LOL but I'll just have to deal with it for now.

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What Happened

So Steve and I dated for almost 6 years.

He broke up with me a few days ago, said that he couldn't see me getting along with his sister, which is true but - its not like I tried to resolve things and he didn't to help any of that, his reason? "I just don't like conflict" is what he said and that just pissed me off so much because those are obviously things that we could have resolved and we could have been on good terms but her not even trying didn't help either.

The main part was, he just lost feelings for me. Thought of me more as a friend than a girlfriend. He said the past few months it felt more like a friends with benefits relationship more than anything else and that he doesn't want to start a marriage with that kind of feeling.

Thing is he never mentioned ANY of it to me and that's one of the things that bugs me so much. Why didn't he? He should have said something right when he started feeling this way. But, I think its what he wanted anyway. I think he wanted to wait till he barely had any feelings left and then break things off.

When he told me all these things he was so expressionless and machine like. He honestly looked like he didn't care. He said that its hard for him too but I don't really believe him at all. Its just a feeling I get.

He kept saying things like "I haven't treated you very well, you deserve a guy that treats you well and makes you happy" A lot of my friends suspect he was interested in someone else and I do think he is interested in someone else... I have a few suspicions, He says he's not interested in someone.. but... he's the kind of guy that doesn't let feelings get to him so I'm sure he'll be trying to move in on someone else quickly.

I told him I don't even want another guy, We both like the same things and have the same hobbies. Now I can't see any of his friends/co-workers anymore even though I liked hanging out with them. I don't think I can find a guy like him again but who knows maybe I will.

He said we met when we were young and now that we're older we're much different people and he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. Which makes it hurt so much more because I don't feel like that with him.

I thought to myself a while back "we're kind of lucky that we were together for so long and I still love him so much" but that's what I thought and still feel, but I wasn't ever in his thoughts.

 I guess it was inevitable anyway, because I look back on the posts I wrote about him and his family and it wasn't the greatest history but since then, things have gotten better with his parents at least. His sister on the other hand - I feel like she seriously lacks some part human emotion so she just seems so... robotic in a way?

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What I Wanted This Summer

Well, I wanted our families to hang out more for one which he didn't know about and make some kind of amendment with his sister. He told me last year before his dad came that he wanted to spend the year hanging out with him and his family so they could get closer, since his dad hasn't lived with them in like 12 years or something. So I gave him the space, he said he regrets that.

I also had tons of plans this summer for us to do things but... they're not gonna happen anymore.

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How we Met

Back when Future Shop existed in North Vancouver and it was my first day. I remember meeting him. I was immediately drawn to him and knew I wanted to date him. He was my first real boyfriend (which makes it worse I guess) and I was like wow! this is the first time a guy I like likes me back!

Eventually, he started reciprocating his feelings back to me, back in the night market. We went with a group of friends but split up, just the two of us and basically just held hands there lol, its childish I know but we were young. 

Eventually what it took was me going out with one of our co-workers that basically brought us together. I went on one date with the other guy and the next day at work, Steve came in and sat down in my department. I asked him "do you like me or something?" and he responded "Do you like me?!" lol and I said "yeah, you're alright" and he was like "alright we're dating then" LOL and then we went on our first date that night.

Then since that summer we were basically inseparable. Things of course changed when his mom came back for a little while and told him he had to move out of the place they owned and he moved down to an apartment by himself on 4th st, then I basically moved in with him lol. Spent every night there with him, only going home when his mom/sister came to visit.

Then he quit going to school and his parents didn't want to pay for the apartment anymore and he couldn't afford it so my parents thought it would be a good idea to take him in. So he moved into our house, for a few years. His mom came eventually and had to study to get a job here which made things between us obviously start dissolving.

When his sister finished school and came back to Vancouver, they moved out. Then we had that huge fight last year and our whole relationship hasn't been the same since.

**********

What Hurts the Most

I seriously was ready to settle down with him. Since he told me he wanted to break up I haven't really eaten that much (no appetite for some reason, I try to but I'll have a few bites of something and just quit) I haven't slept much (just a few hours a night) and I've been randomly crying.

I went to work 2 days after the break up and just burst into tears in the lunch room and would tear up in the hallways when I was alone. It was fine when it was busy but when things in the Emergency Room would quiet down and I would be alone in the mini lab, he would creep into my mind and I would think about him and start crying. I would say all the staff knew how much he meant to me because I spoke about him all the time. When the staff asked me about my puffy eyes I told some of the nurses I yawned or had allergies. But I thought it would be a good idea to take some days off.

Now - I know its still the beginning of the break up but.. whenever I close my eyes before I try to sleep I see his face and wish he was beside me. 

I think about him all day long and wonder what he's doing and I can't just call him up randomly and be like "what's up?" because that makes it so much harder, hearing his voice and then I start tearing up again.

Night time is especially worse, just because its much quieter and there's less distractions and I wish he was here so I could hug him or touch his face or something. 

But that's not realistic anymore.

With the little amount of sleep I do manage to get, I dream about us going out and doing things together and just hanging out and then I wake up and face the reality of him not being there for me anymore.

I asked if we could try again... but he said his gut feeling tells him that its not going to work, even if its for a few more months his feelings wouldn't change and he doesn't want to waste time for either of us and if he regrets it later on, he said he'll just have to live with it forever :(

He says he would still like to be friends. Which I know in my heart will not work out.

I wonder if I will love the next guy I date as much... I'm not sure... and at this moment it wouldn't be fair to the next guy either so we'll just have to wait and see.

Hawaii - Day 3

 Day 3!!

So we went to bed early the night before because we knew again that we were going to head to the North Shore the next day and it was supposedly like a 3 hour drive or something, plus we had to stop by Walmart and buy some snacks and extra towels so we wanted to leave as early as possible.

After we went to Walmart we drove by Yogur Story - I saw this place on instagram when I was looking through the Honolulu tag and thought that the purple pancakes looked interesting and I wanted to try them but I figured it would be too far from our place, but it turns out it was super close to Walmart, so we stopped in for breakfast.

 Ube pancake and Crab cake benedict

I got the ube pancake (which is made from Okinawan sweet potato that's what makes it purple or something) and Steve got the crab cake benedict. The crab cake benedict was pretty salty to us.. but otherwise I probably would've gotten it over the pancakes. The pancakes themselves weren't too sweet which was nice but there was something about them I didn't really like maybe I ate too much of it?

 Waimea Beach

Definitely the nicest beach I've ever been to, I previously thought that Hanauma bay was the nicest beach I've been to but this was just... I mean look at it!

Snorkeling wise - not much to see its literally just water and sand. If I knew how to swim I would've been in the water longer.  The waves at this beach were so strong, Steve and I went into the water to see how cold it was and we were like WTF because these waves were like crashing all over us lol and its shallow when you take your first 2-3 steps in but then it suddenly drops and gets deep.

If you can't swim bring your own life jacket because there doesn't seem to be a rental place nearby, I was glad that I bought that snorkel set with the life jacket.

 Not many people when we got there

Had we left without going to Walmart and having breakfast we would've gotten a parking spot so if you plan on going, leave really early. There's a random lot like across the street but you have to pay like $10 or something. There's a shower and bathroom facilities at this beach which was nice and also a lifeguard but there didn't seem to be any food stands or anything so bring your own food.

 Endless sands

If you've ever been to Vancouver and been to the beaches you'll know how shitty our beaches here are. There are tons of rocks and sticks everywhere, I'm paranoid that I'll step on broken glass or needles when I go there but here.. its so clean lol

I forgot to mention that there are no lockers that we saw when we were here so I was pretty paranoid about leaving our stuff unattended but it was fine but be vigilant.

 In Waimea Valley

So when we were parking, we were curious about what was along the path, we asked the guy who was in charge of the parking about it and he said there was like a small hiking trail that led to a waterfall or something so we decided to go in.

If you're totally into nature then its a nice park but otherwise its kind of a boring walk lol. Did I mention I hate tourist sites? Not many tourists were here but I think it was like $30 for both me and Steve to go in, which was a rip off, there wasn't really much to see but Steve seemed pretty happy about it.

 Waimea falls

So we didn't know that you could go swimming at these falls but wearing a life jacket is mandatory if you want to go into the water. But the water looked dirty so we were like ... no lol.

Ashley told us that at these falls they filmed Lost (I think I gave up after season 2 lol) and that they made it look super huge when it was actually really tiny lol.

I think the total amount of time spent at this park was like an hour? Walking from the parking lot to the falls and back. Yeah... don't want to do that walk again lol. We got back to the car and when we drove back we stopped by the Dole plantation.

 Near the train

So we only got to ride the stupid train and there's also like a pineapple maze but we didn't get to go lol. We did explore the gift shop and the mini garden they have.

Pineapple express and a random pineapple growing!

This thing was so boring! LOL that's because I have no interest in how pineapples grow and the random stuff that dole grows lol. Steve enjoyed it - he even bought the soundtrack that the train plays lol.

A shitload of koi

After we got off the train there was a group of people around the pond so we wanted to see what was happening. Then bam! we were like WTF? there were so many koi! I felt bad that they had to fight for food T_T

Foood

Our first proper meal of the day. I got the BBQ pork quesadilla and Steve got the BBQ pork sandwich (the sandwich tasted better lol) The lineup for food took FOREVER, we didn't get a chance to get the ice cream which looked mighty tasty because we were too full from the food.

There's a lot of meat in there

I ate almost half before I gave up, it was pretty good though and it wasn't too expensive.

After we ate we went to the shop and bought some dried fruits and candies to bring home to our friends/family, which I regret. I bought a bag of dried coconut for my dad because I know he likes coconut and my fucking asshole mom gave it away because she's an asshole - I said that's the last time I fucking buy anything for them when I go on vacation if she's going to give away shit I buy for my dad.

Anyway.. we drove back afterwards and headed back to the hotel to drop off our stuff and shower. I know I took a nap before we went to dinner and Steve sucks at putting sunscreen on people I kept getting burnt on the places where he applied the sunscreen -__-'

Go Sampler at Doraku Sushi

Ok so most of the places we went to I found on Yelp, this place was.. a disappointment. But I'll get to that in a minute. We wanted to drink again so we got this sake flight because I never really had good sake before and I can't really drink that much anyway so it was mostly for Steve lol.

What we had from left to right

The sake was ok, the very last one was so dry and bitter I hated it but the middle one was my favourite and there was also one that was really like soju.

Toro Sashimi and Tuna Poke

So why the disappointment?

The price - the food itself was good don't get me wrong but for the price you pay it is overly expensive (especially because they are small plates). The sashimi you see above cost $16 for 4 pieces.. the quality was good but I can go to a sushi place in Vancouver and if I paid $16 for toro sushi for similar quality I could get way more - maybe there's a low supply? Not sure but definitely not worth the money.

Based on the reviews I didn't think this place was a izakaya style restaurant, I wouldn't have picked this place if that were the case.

Surf and Turf roll

One of the best rolls I've had in a long time, great combination. Frankly I would've just got a bunch of rolls had I known that this place was going to be so expensive.

Miso butterfish and our bill

That was the best fish I've had in a long time but it's such a tiny portion for almost $15. Anyway as you can see, we spent like $80 on 4 small dishes and sake.. we were not full AT ALL and if we ordered more food it would've cost like $250-$300 to get us both full. So we decided to go back to the Korean restaurant which was like down the street LOL.

Pork this time

So we got the Pork combo which was like $40 or something, which was super filling we couldn't finish. We were like "we wish we came here first" the whole time. 

My outfit

Semi-red from all the drinking but yeah we were really disappointed about Doraku Sushi... Now we know not to go there again if we go back to Honolulu.

Otherwise Day 4 is our official last day in Hawaii because in day 5 we have to go home T_T

Hawaii - Day 2

 Good Morning Day 2!

Basically I planned the whole trip because Steve didn't want to plan anything till the last day... For day 2 we went to Hanauma Bay for some snorkeling. We had to wake up early to make sure we got a parking spot ($1 parking fee at the park) so we skipped breakfast T_T

 Our rental car

The GPS I used on my phone brought us to the wrong park.. the real park was like 15-20 minutes away from where we were.

 Hanauma Bay

Its such a beautiful place to be, I just wish there were less people lol

 Cool water

The last time I came here there seemed to be less rocks.. lol. I tried to swim without a life vest but.. it didn't work out, Steve was like "seriously?" yes, seriously I was never taught how to swim.

For survival!

I was probably the only adult that had one of these on LOL but I don't care!

Remember that underwater case I got?

Yeah it didn't work too well, I remember reading the reviews on amazon and people saying that they could use their touchscreen phones underwater, yeah its not true lol. Water protection was great but otherwise its just like a waterproof bag, and you could imagine how paranoid I was putting my phone in there.

Moved to the left side

We went to the right side at first but we decided to go to the other side to see if there was anything better to see in the water, but it was the same, a bit deeper.

Note: Bring your own food! Last time I came here with Ashley we brought chicken mcnuggets lol but the food place they have at the top is so expensive $5 for a small thing of french fries and $10 for a tiny cheeseburger -___-' not worth it.

Took the top off

Steve was so excited to take the top off of this Jeep, it was a nice ride but I really didn't want to get more tan LOL and plus I hate wind.

We went back to the hotel to drop off our stuff and to take a nice shower.

Curry House Coco Ichibanya

Craving some Japanese curry and some katsu O..O

Its a small restaurant, had probably like 10 seats or less so we got our food to go and ate at the food court nearby. This place is cash only too and they have Japanese drinks (I got the melon soda ^_^)

Chicken Cheese and Tako ball

Best katsu I've had in a LONG time. The chicken was so crispy and so juicy. I wish the curry was a bit spicier but otherwise it was so good! Really filling and was like $10

Steve got the Tako ball one, it was alright lol, he wished he got the pork one or something since he does eat a lot.

After we ate, we just wandered around the Ala Moana mall and then we headed back to the hotel for a nap.

OH! I forgot to mention, When we were walking around the Waikiki area I wanted to find the Nature Republic but it wasn't there, I thought they closed it and we came across it at the Ala Moana mall! Boy was I happy lol.

Kyung's Seafood

Alright! So we went to Kyung's Seafood for dinner for day 2 for some sashimi and more Korean food. Seriously, all the places we went to had like Korean food lol. Steve drank again of course but we shared a bottle of soju and Hite beer together - which got me drunk so fast lol.

We ordered the small sashimi plate which was $30 US (we wish we got the medium), Seafood pancake, fish cake soup and steamed dumplings (I wanted the fried one but Steve wouldn't let me get it -__-')

Dumplings and Fishcake soup

We did order a lot for 2 people. The dumplings were ok, I wish we got the fried one lol. The soup was good though not very heavy and pretty comforting - they give you a huge bowl of it.

Our seafood pancake

Hands down, the best seafood pancake I've had. Steve even said that he's never had one like this, not even in Korea. Its so thick and crispy and full of veggies and seafood T_T SO GOOD!

Look at that inside!

We walked to Mcdonalds afterwards for an ice cream to sober up before we drove back to the hotel. We had to sleep early because we were heading to the North Shore the day after and we were pretty exhausted from being in the sun earlier.

See you in day 3!

Hawaii Trip - Day 1

Hawaii Trip

Alright, let's start at the beginning!

The day we were flying to Hawaii I had to work a few hours before the flight. The flight was at 6AM and I got off at 2AM. Steve was supposed to pick me up but of course he forgot -___-' he fell asleep. He came after I called him though, its a good thing he doesn't live that far from the hospital, and then we went to his place to finish up packing.

 Our luggage

Steve had finished packing (he had the grey suitcase) but since I wasn't packing much clothes I had to shift his clothes over to mine and we put all the non-important stuff into the grey suitcase.

 Took a cab...

So Steve's mom was supposed to drop us off in the airport. My mom offered to drop us off earlier but I told her it was alright cause his mom was supposed to drop us off but no, she bailed on us last minute. She told us to take a cab because she was tired but she got up at 4AM to check to see if we were ready to go and all packed up, so I was like WTF.

I told Steve I'm not paying for a cab because he had said that we were getting a lift and I rejected an offer from my mom, plus he had to go back to work to pick up his debit card because he left it there. The cab ride ended up being like $60 something dollars. So.. yeah... good job Steve's mom.

 At the airport past security and baggage drop off

We flew with United Airlines and we departed from YVR. I am so glad that we got nexus cards because when we arrived at the airport it was close to 5AM and there was a huge line for security, we probably would have taken like 25 minutes going through but we got through in like 5 minutes hahaha.

When we got to the nexus declaration part Steve had to get pulled in for questioning LOL. Its because someone shares the exact same name as him and that person has a criminal record so I guess they had to confirm it wasn't him LOL.

For breakfast he got a whopper from burger king LOL I ended up getting something to eat in San Francisco.

**********

Day 1 in Hawaii

 At San Francisco Airport

Our connecting flight was to San Francisco and our layover was just an hour so we grabbed some pizza and went off to wait at our gate.

 Boarded the flight

Flight to Hawaii was about 5 hours. I usually can't fall asleep on planes, I guess since I worked before we left and didn't get any sleep, I managed to get a few hours of sleep. I ended up playing earthbound on a net book I had lol.

 At the car rental

We rented a car from Dollar Car Rental (...? I can't remember what it was called) It was a mess trying to get to the car rental place from the airport. There were huge lineups and the shuttle that takes you to the car rental place only picked up people from one end and there were tons of people waiting at the other end.

It took about 30-40 minutes to pick up our vehicle too because there were so many people >.< We rented a 2013 Jeep (not sure the model, but we think its the base model)

 Made it to the AirBnB

I got a message from our airbnb host saying that our room was ready but we had to wait like 20 minutes at the lobby for him to come. I was getting really impatient lol.

 Our room

The hotel was a little dingy and smelled kind of weird but the room itself was quite nice and air conditioned, there was a small view to the river too which was nice. The bathroom was a decent size but I think the bathtub is clogged or something because it drains water really slowly >.<

 The buildings around the hotel were quite old..

I sent that photo to my friend and said we were in the ghetto lol. We changed and put some stuff away and went off to explore. Mainly get lunch.

 Marukame Udon

We went to the udon place for lunch, I went with Ashley the last time I was in Hawaii and I knew Steve would like it. He got the cold ramen and I regrettably got the hot one (my legs were so sweaty after I ate it LOL)

I also got an egg tempura, potato croquette, a piece of fried chicken (WHICH WAS AMAZING super juicy and crispy T_T) and a prawn tempura.

Afterward we went off to explore the waikiki area.

 Kai Coffee Shop (?)

I can't really remember what the name of the coffee shop was but it was Kai something.. Kai Hawaii?? Bah.. I don't know but we got this Macadamia nut coffee iced drink thing (I can't blog anymore.. LOL) which was really really good.

We ended up going back to the hotel to rest up for a bit and went out to dinner after.

 Nice walk to the restaurant

The restaurant was really close to where we were staying (like a 10-15 minute walk) and plus we were gonna go drinking too so it was a good thing we walked.

Yogurt Soju

They give you SO MUCH in a kettle and! it was all for me LOL. I wanted to finish the whole kettle but Steve wouldn't let me because I turned so red. Steve ended up drinking a giant Hite beer and a bottle of soju to himself, he had a bit of the yogurt soju too but he wasn't that drunk...

So red!

Couple the alcohol with lack of sleep and the long flights, I got fucked up LOL.

678 Hawaii

One of the best Korean restaurant experiences I've had in a long time. Great food and drinks. I drank so much my whole back and legs were red... (I literally can't drink that much). I want to do a full on blog post for this place so just wait for that!

Walking home wasn't fun LOL I was so full of food and super drunk, Steve was worried I'd jump into the river lol.

And that was the first night!