Not the feeling the best at the moment, but I'm writing this post anyway... One day I'll probably look back and regret writing this LOL but I'll just have to deal with it for now.
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What Happened
So Steve and I dated for almost 6 years.
He broke up with me a few days ago, said that he couldn't see me getting along with his sister, which is true but - its not like I tried to resolve things and he didn't to help any of that, his reason? "I just don't like conflict" is what he said and that just pissed me off so much because those are obviously things that we could have resolved and we could have been on good terms but her not even trying didn't help either.
The main part was, he just lost feelings for me. Thought of me more as a friend than a girlfriend. He said the past few months it felt more like a friends with benefits relationship more than anything else and that he doesn't want to start a marriage with that kind of feeling.
Thing is he never mentioned ANY of it to me and that's one of the things that bugs me so much. Why didn't he? He should have said something right when he started feeling this way. But, I think its what he wanted anyway. I think he wanted to wait till he barely had any feelings left and then break things off.
When he told me all these things he was so expressionless and machine like. He honestly looked like he didn't care. He said that its hard for him too but I don't really believe him at all. Its just a feeling I get.
He kept saying things like "I haven't treated you very well, you deserve a guy that treats you well and makes you happy" A lot of my friends suspect he was interested in someone else and I do think he is interested in someone else... I have a few suspicions, He says he's not interested in someone.. but... he's the kind of guy that doesn't let feelings get to him so I'm sure he'll be trying to move in on someone else quickly.
I told him I don't even want another guy, We both like the same things and have the same hobbies. Now I can't see any of his friends/co-workers anymore even though I liked hanging out with them. I don't think I can find a guy like him again but who knows maybe I will.
He said we met when we were young and now that we're older we're much different people and he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. Which makes it hurt so much more because I don't feel like that with him.
I thought to myself a while back "we're kind of lucky that we were together for so long and I still love him so much" but that's what I thought and still feel, but I wasn't ever in his thoughts.
I guess it was inevitable anyway, because I look back on the posts I wrote about him and his family and it wasn't the greatest history but since then, things have gotten better with his parents at least. His sister on the other hand - I feel like she seriously lacks some part human emotion so she just seems so... robotic in a way?
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What I Wanted This Summer
Well, I wanted our families to hang out more for one which he didn't know about and make some kind of amendment with his sister. He told me last year before his dad came that he wanted to spend the year hanging out with him and his family so they could get closer, since his dad hasn't lived with them in like 12 years or something. So I gave him the space, he said he regrets that.
I also had tons of plans this summer for us to do things but... they're not gonna happen anymore.
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How we Met
Back when Future Shop existed in North Vancouver and it was my first day. I remember meeting him. I was immediately drawn to him and knew I wanted to date him. He was my first real boyfriend (which makes it worse I guess) and I was like wow! this is the first time a guy I like likes me back!
Eventually, he started reciprocating his feelings back to me, back in the night market. We went with a group of friends but split up, just the two of us and basically just held hands there lol, its childish I know but we were young.
Eventually what it took was me going out with one of our co-workers that basically brought us together. I went on one date with the other guy and the next day at work, Steve came in and sat down in my department. I asked him "do you like me or something?" and he responded "Do you like me?!" lol and I said "yeah, you're alright" and he was like "alright we're dating then" LOL and then we went on our first date that night.
Then since that summer we were basically inseparable. Things of course changed when his mom came back for a little while and told him he had to move out of the place they owned and he moved down to an apartment by himself on 4th st, then I basically moved in with him lol. Spent every night there with him, only going home when his mom/sister came to visit.
Then he quit going to school and his parents didn't want to pay for the apartment anymore and he couldn't afford it so my parents thought it would be a good idea to take him in. So he moved into our house, for a few years. His mom came eventually and had to study to get a job here which made things between us obviously start dissolving.
When his sister finished school and came back to Vancouver, they moved out. Then we had that huge fight last year and our whole relationship hasn't been the same since.
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What Hurts the Most
I seriously was ready to settle down with him. Since he told me he wanted to break up I haven't really eaten that much (no appetite for some reason, I try to but I'll have a few bites of something and just quit) I haven't slept much (just a few hours a night) and I've been randomly crying.
I went to work 2 days after the break up and just burst into tears in the lunch room and would tear up in the hallways when I was alone. It was fine when it was busy but when things in the Emergency Room would quiet down and I would be alone in the mini lab, he would creep into my mind and I would think about him and start crying. I would say all the staff knew how much he meant to me because I spoke about him all the time. When the staff asked me about my puffy eyes I told some of the nurses I yawned or had allergies. But I thought it would be a good idea to take some days off.
Now - I know its still the beginning of the break up but.. whenever I close my eyes before I try to sleep I see his face and wish he was beside me.
I think about him all day long and wonder what he's doing and I can't just call him up randomly and be like "what's up?" because that makes it so much harder, hearing his voice and then I start tearing up again.
Night time is especially worse, just because its much quieter and there's less distractions and I wish he was here so I could hug him or touch his face or something.
But that's not realistic anymore.
With the
little amount of sleep I do manage to get, I dream about us going out and doing
things together and just hanging out and then I wake up and face the
reality of him not being there for me anymore.
I asked if we could try again... but he said his gut feeling tells him that its not going to work, even if its for a few more months his feelings wouldn't change and he doesn't want to waste time for either of us and if he regrets it later on, he said he'll just have to live with it forever :(
He says he would still like to be friends. Which I know in my heart will not work out.
I wonder if I will love the next guy I date as much... I'm not sure... and at this moment it wouldn't be fair to the next guy either so we'll just have to wait and see.
